So... Less than a day to go and I certainly won't fall asleep typing this one. READ IT ALL.
No list tonight but one thing: shoes.
I am at that point that I hate Hate HATE!! As a director I must wash my hands of everything. This show is no longer mine. This show has been stepped on, disrespected, mangled, questioned, challenged, threatened, ignored, and abused. I have been hated, loved, maligned, trusted, disrespected ignored, questioned, pushed away,... and, of cour, I've been wrong. SCREW THAT: IT'S MINE. IT IS WHAT I WANT. From the intense cast to the intense music to the intense light to the intense costume (who cares if it maKES sENSE; IT'S GOOD!!) All of it comes from my BLOGGING brain-- from the pit of my stomach. Screw passivity, screw moping, screw the norm, to hell with the way the world is, with or without including the ARTS. Normal behavior makes people outcast, prisoners, vagabonds, dope fiends, lazy, ignorant. I will do what I need to an settle for pigheaded, stubborn, egotistical, proud, and insensitive to prevent the norm from becoming the rule. I am not afraid of any of this shit (there's that profane. I will take a gamble to get what I need. I need to show the audience of this show that this is one of th-- SCREW THAT, THESE KIDS ARE THE BEST. I have grown to love them all dearly for different reason even when they hate me. (and yes, I have been called all of those things within the last year and all by people whom I hold in very high regard.)
I pray my cast needs the same. We always have the opportunity to do more than THE JOB. This has been the work. This is not for a paycheck (It ain't that big!) and it ain't about just hanging out (there's so little you can acheive on 3 or for ten-minute breaks). This is for justification. A performer should be able to say this both parts of this sentence without hesitation: I've worked harder than I'm used to and I have grown in some way. If s/he can't then said person didn't want to finish the journey. Honestly, I can't tell yet if they all want it and it makes me want to weep. I saw glimpses and HUGE moments of amazing development, from the spritely Vivian's amazing power to start the show (though she could go farther) to Jessica's OBVIOUS virtuosity of the stage, to Brian's sick control and admittedly refreshing, though not surprising power of his solo, to Sarah and Laura's intensity (almost there!!) in TOJ, and Nebi's simple knowledge of his craft and attention to detail. Courtney's ability to get Stepfather factory and tons of other difficult movement in the shortest amount of time of anyone makes me wanna punch something pretty. This cast KICKS ASS. I wanna pee a little EVERYTIME THEY HIT THE MOVEMENT.
I hope they understand the privelege. We are priveleged to take the stage and weep, laugh, scream, rage, fight-- all in public view without fear of humiliation. If we fail at our own hand we can change the mind with the same tool. We can shift peoples opinions by being the people on stage we fear being in public or, even worse, the people we create in public to mask our fear. There is nothing on stage but a naked soul when theater is at it's best. at its worse indication tells the story. Let us hope they have found theirs.
I cannot lie: I am petrified. Petrified of being a failure. Petrified that the doubts I feel in myself are more than being overly critical. Petrified that I have worked the dancers too hard. I can do nothing. They say a bad dress rehearsal means a great opening night. What does a good dress rehearsal mean? This is a tiring show and the movement works wonderfully when they trust what I see in them. It topples like the end of a jenga game when they look for the net below. I just hate cutting it from under myself.
When we started the show it was delightful. Tiger Prawn was successful aand people were ready. then time creaped up. We all had things to do. People started whispering my patience grew thin. We crunched they worked through exhaustion many times and often leaving with blank stares (like tonight). I masked my frustration pretty well, I think... Hope. Then, somewhere, I saw it. tell somebody they're not mad enough for you and they'll get mad at YOU. How awesome is that? How interesting that something that started out as delightful and refreshing quickly went to places no one expected to go. The TITLE WORKS!! I just didn't see such a huge part of the journey being mine. It has been an interesting year for me as an artist.
I am many things: young, naive, bitter, tired, driven, slightly compulsive, pig-headed, profane, obsessive, fastidious, perverse at times, isolated, moody, absent-minded. So be it. To the dancers and the audience who gave blood and sweat and money, respectively: Welcome to a small compartment of my brain. I RELUCTANTLY give it to you unsure of it's stability and promise. This is the end of my first trip. It was a... fun journey with many wrong turns. Hopefully the directions I'm leaving you are clear.
Dancers and Dancergoers:
Good Night and Enjoy the Show